The moment I decided to start a photography business in the back of my mind was one of my darkest secrets. I was terrified and excited for this new journey but fear definitely held me down from growing sooner. Photography has opened my eyes and helped my grow, not just as a photographer but as a mom and as a person. I've struggled with social anxiety for years, to the point of going into to Target when it was packed was a NO. Cases like that, that I thought I'd try to get shopping done and just ignore the size of the crowd was so overwhelming that I would have a panic attack and struggle breathing and sometimes just find an aisle, sit and cry.
Its pathetic and embarrassing. I lost any self control on talking to new people or to even go to an event. I don't know what started all of it but because of that, it held me up from anyone getting to know me. Plus this issue was something I wouldn't just tell anyone... freak is the word that comes to mind when I think of how others would perceive me.
I remember the first time I booked a wedding... oh the butterflies and chills that I had for a week. Wondering if I could handle it, would I walk right out, would I find a hiding spot to be able to relax without having an attack. I had a stomach ache for days on top of all the emotional ups and downs. All of these plus much more was going through my head. I was so scared. Thank God this wedding I choose to do free for that "just in case". My fiancé and I had been together for 3 years at the time and even he did not understand what my struggles were let alone how to help me deal with them. Just like every other day before I head out for a session or wedding Shadow (my fiancé) wishes me good luck and as always I pray on the drive to.
I discovered something new in myself that day. Being behind the camera allowed me to gain so much confidence and an empowering feeling. It felt amazing to use my creative thinking, to be able to own what I was doing. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to explain to someone who has never had this experience but it's one of the most spiritually uplifting thing. I became someone new that day. It was as if a light switch was turned on.
I loved every second of that wedding. I have grown so much since that day. I can stand in front of a crowd and direct people, talk to people and even be silly. I can be at a session and completely act like a fool just to make sure I get good shots. I can go to a grocery store without having a panic attack. Picking up the camera and making the decision to start my photography business, allowed me to become closer to God, because I never show up to a job without praying. It's allowed me to be able to be ok with crowds, groups and strangers without feeling like I could pass out and the most important.... be myself. Photography saved me.
I still get the upset stomach the day before a wedding, I still pray before each shoot and I still enjoy being behind the camera. My confidence behind the camera grew which has allowed me to grown in my photography skills. I am so grateful that I have such a supporting group of followers, clients and friends and most of all family because without all them I would not be where I am today and who I am.
At one of the last weddings I did, this was the response from the bride.
" I didn't get a chance to tell you or Sonja this but, me and Adrian are extremely happy with the work ya did at the wedding! I love how you are so outgoing and how attentive both of you were to me and Adrian. You guys balance each other out perfectly and make a great team. I cant wait to see the pictures"
It's nice to know that I am not perceived as a freak or have allowed myself to withhold who I am. I LOVE photography and like I have said before I can only get better from here and I am so ready for the ride.
Its pathetic and embarrassing. I lost any self control on talking to new people or to even go to an event. I don't know what started all of it but because of that, it held me up from anyone getting to know me. Plus this issue was something I wouldn't just tell anyone... freak is the word that comes to mind when I think of how others would perceive me.
I remember the first time I booked a wedding... oh the butterflies and chills that I had for a week. Wondering if I could handle it, would I walk right out, would I find a hiding spot to be able to relax without having an attack. I had a stomach ache for days on top of all the emotional ups and downs. All of these plus much more was going through my head. I was so scared. Thank God this wedding I choose to do free for that "just in case". My fiancé and I had been together for 3 years at the time and even he did not understand what my struggles were let alone how to help me deal with them. Just like every other day before I head out for a session or wedding Shadow (my fiancé) wishes me good luck and as always I pray on the drive to.
I discovered something new in myself that day. Being behind the camera allowed me to gain so much confidence and an empowering feeling. It felt amazing to use my creative thinking, to be able to own what I was doing. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to explain to someone who has never had this experience but it's one of the most spiritually uplifting thing. I became someone new that day. It was as if a light switch was turned on.
I loved every second of that wedding. I have grown so much since that day. I can stand in front of a crowd and direct people, talk to people and even be silly. I can be at a session and completely act like a fool just to make sure I get good shots. I can go to a grocery store without having a panic attack. Picking up the camera and making the decision to start my photography business, allowed me to become closer to God, because I never show up to a job without praying. It's allowed me to be able to be ok with crowds, groups and strangers without feeling like I could pass out and the most important.... be myself. Photography saved me.
I still get the upset stomach the day before a wedding, I still pray before each shoot and I still enjoy being behind the camera. My confidence behind the camera grew which has allowed me to grown in my photography skills. I am so grateful that I have such a supporting group of followers, clients and friends and most of all family because without all them I would not be where I am today and who I am.
At one of the last weddings I did, this was the response from the bride.
" I didn't get a chance to tell you or Sonja this but, me and Adrian are extremely happy with the work ya did at the wedding! I love how you are so outgoing and how attentive both of you were to me and Adrian. You guys balance each other out perfectly and make a great team. I cant wait to see the pictures"
It's nice to know that I am not perceived as a freak or have allowed myself to withhold who I am. I LOVE photography and like I have said before I can only get better from here and I am so ready for the ride.